Conspiracy Theory

I've been thinking. Dangerous habit and usually I want no part of it, but Wednesday when I was watching the health care news conference, the last question struck me as odd. An hour on health care and a reporter asks about a black professor being arrested? To the first black president? Huh? Why? And why would Obama answer the question? There were many way to handle it, and when he said "The police acted stupidly...," I think everyone watching knew what the headline would be the next day.

So why didn't Obama know? Why did not Mr. President Obama say "I don't have enough information." Or why didn't he say "What? An hour on health care and you ask me the black question? May I ask why you felt a need to ask the president what he thought about a disorderly conduct arrest in Massachusetts? A charge which has been dismissed? Would you have asked a white president that"

Well, I have been thinking. President Obama did know. Come on. I used to be in the newspaper business, but who spends more time thinking about what's going to be asked at press conferences and what answers to give? Me or the White House? Who spends more time on this stuff? You or the White House? I think the answer is pretty clear: The White House. Additionally, the last question was not merely the last question, it was deliberately the last question. President Obama in fact prefaced it by saying, "I kept that short so Lynn Sweet could get in her question." That struck me as odd at the time. I wondered if he knew what her question was and wanted to answer it. If it were prearranged, that might make sense. Obviously, however, given what happened that is impossible, right?

Lynn Sweet is the Washington bureau chief for the Chicago Sun-Time. She is considered to be something of a critic of the president, so it is unlikely that she was in on a plan, but is it unthinkable that the president expected her to ask a stupid, irrelevant and borderline racist question at the end of an hour long press conference on health care? Well, I thought off it, so obviously not, but I think of a lot of dumb stuff.

Like now. Now I am thinking, "What the hell is in the health care plan that the president wants us not to look at it?" The Gates arrest was national news...I dunno. With the last guy I would have thought, "Yeah, he's that dumb." With this guy, I find it unlikely.

Anyway, now we have we have had two days on Gates-Gate, and now the president gets to have a beer with Henry Louis Gates and his pal and co-conspirator Sgt. Crowley. I picture the three of them sitting in the basement of the Whitehouse with Lynn Sweet and Rahm Emamuel. Dave, the bartender at Binny's, which is across the street from Manny's, a know Obama hangout, is serving them the last of the Surly Darkness. (A wonderful beer which Binny's had run out of when we tried to order it again. Dave wasn't there either last week. Hey, it's my conspiracy theory and that was some good beer.) They are laughing at the thought of us wondering why the president felt such an urgent need to call on Lynn Sweet.

Now, I am just a neurotic paranoid, and I make stupid jokes on the Internet in my spare time, and I have since 1984, but I still wonder what the president doesn't want us to pay attention to in that health care bill?

Watchmen: I Can't Decide Whether You Should Live or Die

For all the old school Usenetters.

This is not a review.

I expecting Tatum O'Neil to show up and take Rorschach out on a date.

Here there be spoilers.






Okay, I don't mean to be a spoilsport, but in the comic book, Roschach mails his journal to the New Frontiersman. That means the magazine could be located anywhere from Walla Walla, Washington to Kalamazoo. Here, he drops it in the slot of the magazine office, presumably on his way out of town. As in New York. As in the place Ozy just obliterated. As in all those guys at the magazine and that building and the journal? All gone. I'm just sayin'.

I was impressed by the soundtrack. You never hear Leonard Cohen's version of his own "Hallelujah." I mean, John Cale stole the song from him, you usually haer Jeff Buckley's version of Cohen cover, though I'm sure Cohen's attitude is that if John Cale wants to make him a few million clams, let him. I was happy to hear the Cohen original, though, I do wonder how many people were thinking, "What did those bastards do to Jeff Buckley's song?"

I was also mildly amused to see "All Along the Watch Tower" used, and I wondered if that was related to its Battlestar Galactica usage.

I had some problems with the pacing and camera usage, myself. I suspect it's down to this: the director did the same thing he did with 300. He used the comic book as a storyboard. It doesn't work. It doesn't work because a comic book might look like a story board, but it is really its own thing. It is trying to tell a story by itself. A storyboard is just giving a fleeting indication of what the visual might look like for the tenth of a second it is on screen. The difference? When someone shoots at Veidt in the comic book, the comic panel can be as confusing or detailed as Moore and Gibbon want, because the reader can just bloody well stare at it to his heart's content. On the screen it goes away. And if you try and put it in slow motion, it just looks mannered rather than impressive. The Matrix managed to do something a bit different, but it worked there. It was just off here. I was not impressed by the fights here. In particular the fight at the end and the death of the Comedian lasted too damn long.


Also, for once, I think IMAX does a disservice to the flick. The aspect ratio in IMAX is around 1.85:1, but it the regular theater it's 2.35:1, which is a fairly radical difference, and I want to see what it is. I think the fights might look better. Also, Malin Akerman is a beautiful woman, but she's not particularly voluptuous, and her skinny little butt in the nude scenes wasn't flattered by IMAX.

The ending makes a certain amount of sense in blaming Dr. Manhattan instead of some alien quid, especially since the Black Freighter and text sequences have been excised, so instead of being sort of fairly foreshadowed, it would come out of nowhere.

Dear Sir or Madam Would You Read my Book

Books I wish I could unread:

1. Anything by Jane Austen. Lacking even a single vagina, these books were a complete waste of my time. The insistence of English teacher in assigning these books is child abuse.

2. Any book written by the instructor of the course. Dude, you are standing in the same goddam room as me. If there's something you want me to know about the subject, tell me yourself, don't make me spend 60 dollars on your book. If you feel you have to assign a text, pick one by someone else. Hell, pick one by someone you disagree with and tell me why. What're ya, yella?

3. The Third Wave by Alvin Toffler. Assigned to me senior year in high school. Complete waste of time and a justification for book burning.

4. Any Star Trek novel by Marshak and Culbreath. I would try to describe how bad these books are, but I would never have believed it myself had someone tried to tell me, so what's the point?


5. Remembrance of Things Past by Marcel Proust. A 7 volume autobiography novel about a man who did absolutely nothing. Ever. As Stephen Fry has said about someone else "He was a French writer making a point, and therefore a git."

6. Dracula. Just so godawful dull.

7. Ayn Rand. Not a justification for book burning so much as a justification for the invention of time travel to prevent to the invention of movable type. If you had to carve everything in granite with a pin, we wouldn't have had to wait several long novels for Rand to give us _For the New intellectual_ and tell us how great it is to be selfish.

8. Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. I still like it. I just wish I could read it for the first time at 40 instead of 17 or 18. Just curious.

9. Lolita. Yeah, yeah. It's a great novel of the 20th century. I think Catch-22 was better, but Lolita keeps beating it out in the pools, so I want it erased.

10.Without You: The History of Badfinger. Oh. My. Dear. Lord. This is the most godawful depressing book I have ever read. Interesting book about how the rock group Badfinger was destroyed by the record industry.

The Big Lend Theory

Apparently the writers of "The Bog Bang theory" reached the conclusion that Sheldon was just too much of a dick to hang out with at the same time I did. Last week they revealed that he will just lend people a couple grand without caring when he gets paid back at no interest. That explains why people would hang out with him.

Well, at Least It Didn't Stay in the Air Indefinitely

Gen. David Petraeus made the coin flip at the Superbowl. I called my buddy Doug who said he was kind of offended. My opinion is that anything that keeps him out actual military operations is a good thing. Maybe we can get him to go around to various sporting events. On the other hand, the Superbowl is a kind of a conflict. Having Petraeus involved might make this Superbowl a giant clusterfuck.

In other news, I finally realized what was odd to me about Hellboy II: The Golden Army: Ron Perlman is doing a straight up Lee Marvin impression. The voice. The mannerims. Everything. Check it out. It's surreal. I am of two minds, actually. I like Lee Marvin but I'm not sure he would have been the best choice for Hellboy. However, it's not Lee marvin. It's Perlman making an acting choice. I was okay with it. On the other hand, it was distracting all get out, if only because it took me awhile to figure out why it sounded so familiar.

Frank Burns Eats Worms

Back when M*A*S*H was the best show ever, Frank Burns was the villain. And he was good in that show, but after five years, Larry linville decided the character had run its coure and left. Essentially, there was no where for the show to go with thatcharacter. Burns had burned out. Nobody tok him seriously. WHile he had been credible as a threat to Henry Blake's authority, he was not terribly credible as a threat to Potter. And then the Frank Burns is a terrible doctor stuff just wore old.

They replaced Burns with Charles Emerson Winchester III. He was a brilliant surgeon. He was wealthy. He had lettered and cultured and intelligent. And he was a match for Hawkeye. That lasted about a season and then they made him friends with everyone. But before they did that, they ahd a great cene between Potter and Charles. Charles was screaming at potter. Finally, Potter said "Major, stop it. You're beign a jerk. You're just not worth it. No one i."

I was thinking about this while watching "The Big Bang Theory." I like the show, though not as much as everyone else. One thing bothers me. This season it ha turned intot he Sheldon and penny show, which would be kind of funny if they actually had sex and we had the dynamic of Sheldon and penny having to deal with a pregnancy scare or something, especially given the very first scene in the series. However, they aren't. What they are doing is making Shledon a more and more severe prick. Right now, he's just an asshole. More, he only realistically gets to be an asshole if he's just *that* smart. Only the show, for comedic purposes keeps introducing other characters who are better than he is. They need to give him a Nobel Prize or a MacArthur genius grant or something, otherwise hi character will lose all credibility. I cannot think of a single reason Leonard would put up with him rather than get an apartment with Wolowitz.

Rabbit Runs Away

John Updike, one of the greatest living American authors, has lost his status as such.

And then George Foreman can Take on Steven Hawking

I go back and forth on this one. As you might have heard, recently two
Texas girls' basketball teams played to a score of 100 to 0. That
score obviously represents a butt-kicking of almost mythic proportions
and an apology ensued. The coach on the winning team was fired.

My first, immediate reaction was that Coventry had run up the score.
Later, however, I started to think. Who scheduled this game?

Obviously, the winning team was much better. It could not have been a secret. The athletic director of the losing school had to have seen a loss coming. I have seen a few basketball blow outs. During the 1992 Olympics, the Dream Team was the first American Olympic team using pros. They slaughtered the other teams. It was a wonder to behold. It was the Olympics. That was what they were there for. They beat one team by 79 points. (That game was every bit as close as the score would tend to indicate.)


The Bulls once beat the the Jazz by 42 points in a finals game. The Jazz complained the Bulls were running the score up and taking three pointers and playing hard defense. No ofense, but they had their last five players on the floor and had been litening all week to people talking about how the jazz bench was better, and they had the last quarter of the game to play those guys at hoops. John Stockton was asked after the game how he felt about Stacy King making a three point shot in that game. His response? "If you don't want them to take three pointers, guard them."

On the other hand, those were pro players taking on players of similar calber. The international Olympic Committee had been pressuring America to end pros for years. They thought it would improve the international level of competition. And it did. Some of the best NBA players are international stars.

A high school game is slightly different. These kids aren't trying to improve. There is obviously no slaughter rule, but the fact that slaughter rules do exist says to me that our concept of sportsmanship -- as a society -- does not include winning a high school girls basketball game by 100 points. On the other hand, someone at the losing school decided to schedule the other team.

Maybe Suge Knight will Go after Microsoft

So, I made the mistake of ignoring the warning and watching the ad this page references. I have to admit, the Microsoft Songsmith renditions defeated me. I could not make it through more than 30 seconds of Roxanne, and that was my andurance record. Microsoft Songsmith reminds me of the old 101 Strings Orchestra, except those guys ruined the actual music of professional artists. Microsoft Songsmith, designed in Hell to drive sane men mad.

Maybe It's Okay If You Wear Jeans

So, here's an awkward etiquette question. Suppose you go to a strip club with some friends. Suppose this is not a local strip club, but somewhat far afield. Further suppose that you did not really want to go but were essentially dragged there. Oncethere, however, well, you're single and straight, so what the hell? So you are at the stage watching some skinny 22-year old with implants ride a pole, and thinking "You know, she'd snap in half if I tried to do anything more aggressive than give her a polite hug." And then, suppse, you recognized one of the dancers from somewhere else? What's the rule on this? You can't really pay her for a lap dance. You can't tip someone else, and not her. You can't ask her "Hey, is that you?" When you see her in real life, do you just ignore it? Do you say, nice abs, what is your workout routine? What's the solution?

This is Why Vampires can Only Own Baseball Teams

The maple bat controversy has apparently reach something of a climax. This past baseball season we were treating to the spectre of the maple bat. The maple bat is a fiendish devise designed to shatter with the force of three claymore mines, delivering blunt and edged weapon attacks and killing all in its path. Which is to say, I like the hickory and birch kind better.

I have to say, I am in something of a quandary. On the one hand I do not think there is any question that the current state of affairs is, in fact, dangerous. Additionally, some of the steps Major League Baseball is taking (increased insurance, manufacturing guidelines) seem reasonable. On the other hand, this is Major League Baseball. By definition anything they think is a good idea, no matter how reasonable it might seem, is probably touched by the stench of brimstone. I'd rather not see anyone take a bat shard in the chest. Well, okay, that's not true. In fact, I have a list. (In other news, future Hall of Famer Jeff Kent is apparently about to retire.) However, I would rather not see random people injured.

I am just not certain that MLB is the most qualified organization to prevent these potential injuries.

The Grand Dragon Probably has a 401(k)

I used to say earlier in 2008 that this country was too racist to elect a black man president. I still believe that. However, this is how incompetent, stupid and just plain bad at being President George Bush is. He forced Americans to make a rational choice. Everyone has money in the stock market. The Republicans are rich because they have money in stock. The workers have their retirement in stocks. Hilary and Mccain looked like the same sort of establishment politicians we've had before. People were forced to do something they have never done before. They actually had to look at the ideas and abilities of the people running for president. McCain was an anger-crazed loony. Hilary was a professional house wife. (That's what First Lady is, right?) I actually think Hilary might have made a decent president, but there is no question in my mind that Obama is more qualified.

Dr. King had a dream that his children would be judged not by the color of their skin but the content of their character. Tomorrow we swear in the first minority president, and he was elected for no other reason than most people thought he would be better at the job. In fact, their seems to be an irrational exuberance almost along the lines of Miracle Monday in the Elliot S! Maggin Superman novel. I hope that Obama can help, but I'll say this. He can't be worse than that babbling gork and the gang of fools we've had the last eight years.

The Problems of Modern Sport

The NFL does not use professional refs. Think about that for a second. The NBA has some of the worst officials in the world and they are full time pros. Baseball umpires are actually incredibly good and they are full time pros. Ed Hochuli is a lawyer. Mike Carey is an inventor. Chad Brown works for a university as an administrator. Mark Hittner owns a financial company.

Now, these are some of the best that the NFL has to offer, but instead of spending the off time reviewing tape and understanding the rules they have day jobs, so today the Eagles lose the NFC Champiosnhip at least in part because the morons calling the game do not know pass interence when they see it. And Ed Hochuli admitted that he screwed the Chargers a couple weeks ago. They are not, owever, incompetents, because the NFL cannot reaonably expect anyone to be any better than this at calling their games when it is just a moonlighting gig. Think about how much money the NFL generates. They could pay their officials quite a bit of money. Instead, they let them moonlight. In fact, the NFL is the moonlighting. I do not know that full time officials would improve the game. But I think it is worth a hot.

The other things that has been bothering me is the isue of performance enhancing drugs and the Hall of Fame. Mark McGwire has not been drawing any support from the Hall of Fame voter and I do not care, in principle. I was never a fan and I do not give a rat's ass about Mark McGwire, but soon Raphael Palmeiro will be on the ballot. Do not care about him either. Roger Clemens? I actually do not like him, so I hope he doesn't get voted in. Barry Bonds? Total scumbag. Sammy Sosa? Actually pretty admirable in the late-1990's, but reviled now.

Here's the thing, though. We can all scream in indignation about the cream and the clear and the hore steroids and watever, but come on. We all knew did we not, that Barry Bonds was using steroids? His head changed size. His head changed size. And even if we did not, Major league Baseball either knew or was willfully ignorant. They refused to have a reasonable drug policy untl forced, and now major league baseball expects the fans and BBWAA to clean up after them. Well, you know what? Tough.

Frank Thomas, Greg Maddox, Fred McGriff. Do I know they were not using steroids? No. But why do I not know? Because Major League Baseball owners are the greatest bunch of unhanged scoundrels on the planet. I am sorry, but I do not see a good reason for us to serve as an angry mob on behalf the purity of the same Hall of Fame which has Charles Comiskey, Cap Anson and Ty Cobb. SO while I do not have a stake in any of the players who seem likely to be affected, I do not like the idea that I am expected to feel outraged at a betrayal that MLB knew about or should have known about and still allowed. (My favorite players from the steroid era were Tom Glavine, Frank Thomas, Fred McGriff, and Curt chilling. It's not like there are no qualified players without the obviou taint of drugs from Jim Thome to Trevor Hoffman to Marino Rivera to Randy Johnson)

The Worst of Both Worlds...

I had been complaining to anyone who would listen that the Senate should just seat Roland Burris for three reasons. One, not doing so gave Blogo too much power. Two, the Dems needed to get another vote in there to try to do omething and he gave them one more vote. And finally that confirming him would at leas thut people up about Roland Burris and I wouldn't have to listen to it anymore.

Well, he was seated today, and they are still talking about him.. o intead I will discuss the Hall of Fame voting from earlier this week.

Rickey Henderson and Jim Rice were the two inductees. Both of them are fine choices, in my opinion. Rickey is kind of a jerk, but he' also one of those obviou, no-brainer decisions that makes the BBWAA look bad because he did not go in unanimously. Let me say that anyone who did not vote for Rickey Henderson, career leader in runs scored, steals, etc. should have his vote taken away.

Jim Rice is another matter. His problem is two fold. He did not age well. He aged quickly. Additionally, his stats are discounted because he played in Fenway. My reaction to this is that a lot of other players played in Fenway, and not all of them had 400 total bases in a season. Jim Rice has a problem in that he was not able to stick around and pile on the career totals like 500 home runs and 3,000 hits that usually define a Hall of Famer. On the other hand, he had a lot of big seaons. He had MVP votes in half his seasons. He was a terrific power threat. And, by Jeffrey, he was famous. I'm glad he made it, though, because he was a terrific ballplayer, and now we do not have to listen to a bunch of Bosox fan whine about how he hasn't been let in.

The two guys I was disappointed did not make it this year were Blyleven and Lee Smith. They'll get in eventually.

Presented without comment...

What if Al Gore had been president?

Just a Link for the Day

So, I took my mom to see a community theatre production of "Pippin!" this past summer. You might very well ask what she had done to me for me to engage in elder abuse, especially on the scale of a community theatre production of "Pippen," but she actually enjoys this kind of stuff. Anyway, at the intermission she asks me, "Who played the grandmother in the original Broadway cast?" (My kid sister in a serious theater geek, so I have educated myelf a little Broadway simply to have something to talk about with her. I got good enough, actually, that I got pegged to review musicals in my newspaper days.) I told her "Irene Ryan, of all people." And a passerby interrupted to say "It was her last perfomrance. She died." and other stuff, because there was something wrong, apparently, with the way I was telling my mother what happened.

And here it is. Pay attention to the lyrics, because the whole Beverley Hillbillies thing adds something, in my opinion. She died after suffering a stroke during the show. I assume not this particular performance, however, because the recording does not contain screams from the audience and Irene Ryan slurring her words and collapsing and stuff like that.

I Bet John Ford Never had These Problems...

So the producer of Watchmen has written an open letter. essentially saying that Warner did all the work, so they should get the money. I do not know or care what is involved here, because I am a lawyer, if I spend time and effort analyzing the case, and the goniffs at Warner, who apparently have no problem just appropriating intellectual work from other people, find my brilliant legal analysis on the net, they'll use it...without paying me! For me the issue is simple: is this lawsuit saving us from a crappy, bastardized version of Watchmen?

I've watched a couple trailers and interview with Zack Snyder, the man who gave us "300," and I have to say that the answer appears to be "Yes." Ferchrisakes, FOX, sue! Sue for all you want! They infringed on your rights! Sue! SUE! SUUUEEEEE!!!!!!!

Save us from the whining about the movie. Save us from the drooling over the movie. Or at least save me. I've read the comic. "300" sucks. It was visually impressive, and I saw it at IMAX so OHMYHOLYGOD. Also, it didn't really matter that "300" sucked because the comic kind of sucked anyway. But Watchmen was actually a good comic book. Zack Snyder's interviews sound really, really silly and pretentious. I don't think Watchmen is unfilmable, but I have not seen anything to indicate that Snyder has done anything more than transfer the visuals to film, and as I have pointed out previously, who cares? That has nothing to do with what made Watchmen interesting.

Meanwhile, "The Brave and the Bold" tv cartoon is actually pretty good. And I am pretty enthusiastic about the Legion of Super-Heroes on "Smallville." But "Watchmen" can tay in legal limbo until it becomes public domain for all I care.

Hey, Look, Music!

The hosts of Sound Opinions have made their mix tapes available to listen online. Lou Reed still stinks, though.

Will Green Eggs and Ham Be on the Senate Menu?

My buddy, Doug is worried about the credibility of Illinois given the taint of Blagojevitch's future indictment (Yes, that's right, he has not yet actually been indicted.)

What credibility, precisely? No offense to Doug, but Illinois has no credibility to save at this point. Frankly, the main criterion which appears to be used by Illinois voters on election day appears to be: "Is this guy a corrupt bastard? And I don't give me run of the mill corrupt. I mean, will this guy help our state look like a bigger gang of thieves than Alaska, Louisiana, Rhode Island and New Jersey? Because if this guy can't help our state make Leno's monologue, I don't have any use for him."

It's all fine to talk about barring Burris, and about how you have to make sure the Senate pick is the people's choice, but why should the rest of the states care the people of Illinois' choice? Illinois seems determined to elect crooks. I do not know whether Burris will be a good senator or not, but I can tell you two things. One, the people of Illinois have refused to elect him to public office including governor several times, which appears to give him a fighting chance for being an honest man. Two, Blagojevitch picked him, so he might know Burris is an honest man if only because he has never seen Burris at any of the meetings.

When we are talking about making sure someone is the people's choice, in Illinois that appears to mean making sure he's a corrupt scumbag. (Though they do seem to have a better track record with senators than instate offices given that Paul Simon and the President Elect both appear to have been beyond reproach.)

As to Burris' judgement...

Accepting a nomination from an indicted governor does not appear to me, from a cynical point of view, to be more tainting than accepting the election of a group of voters who keep picking crooks. Besides, he's over 70. Maybe all he cares about is doing a good job and not what people think of him. Part of me just wants to say "If Illinois only wants one senator, fine. Let 'em." But we are trying to accomplish something with Obama's presidency, and right now the morons in Illinois seem determined to let the Democrats do that one Senate vote short. Well, you know what? Suck it up. Forget how you think it makes you look. And if Burris is qualified, let him do his job and punish Blagojevitch on your own time.

Meanwhile, up and to the left, Minnesota still hasn't picked a Senator. And the Republicans have vowed to block seating Al Franken should he win. I do not know if this turn of events is yet more fallout from Illinois' chronic inability to find an honest man...check that, let me rephrase. I do not know if this is more fallout from Illinois' inability to find and honest man, and to reject in the election any one who might be honest, and then refuse to certify that potentially honest man even when picked for them by someone who was obviously trying to pick the most honest person available in a pathetic attempt to save his own credibility, because Blagojevitch would never have picked Burris unless he was fairly certain Burris would reflect well upon him at least in theory.

I do not know whether this we-won't-seat-Franken movement is inspired by the "I will not seat him, Sam I am" movement regarding anyone at all picked by Blago the crook in the state down and to the right, but it seems plausible. So now Jesse White and Dick Durbin and the gang have cost us two, count 'em, two Senate Democrat votes for the foreseeable future. I do not know if those votes would make a difference, and frankly, the evidence would seem to be against it, but it does make Democrats look like a bunch of feckless idiots. Of course, looking like a bunch feckless idiots has the comfort of familiarity to the Democratic party just now. Maybe the success of Obama scares them a litte.

Hey, At Least there was no Home Video in 1954

So, I have seen "Them!" And I have seen "Of Human Bondage" and "Bonzo Goes to College." And I have seen the Jack Benny classic, "The meanest man in the World." I have seen "lassie Come Home," "Foreign Correspondent" and "Life with father." But I have never sen them within a few days of having watch "A Miracle on 34th Street." So the fact that Edmund Gwenn sounds exactly like Santa Claus never bothered me until tonight. Threw me completely out of the flick.

My dad likes to talk about green Dolphin Street, which also features Frank Morgan. he says it is a movie which has Santa Claus and the Wizard of Oz fighting over the same woman. I'm gonna try to track it down.